He has sacrificed a desire for control over his circumstances in order to gain an understanding of, and communion with, creative energies far greater than his individual self.

A profound perspective accessible only to someone free from everyday illusionary reality…personal sacrifice in order to achieve one’s own higher spiritual good.

Is THAT what this is all about?

Eight years ago, I was in a position to “improve” my life. I had a lump sum of money available to invest in my “future”. I chose to invest it in a house. The real estate market, in my homeland, was out of financial reach for me. In order to invest in a house I had to move away from my homeland and my family and put my faith and trust in a different family unit and attempt to find my comforts in a new environment.

My intentions were to invest, improve and move on to the next property. You know… climb the property ladder.

Apparently I am on a far different path than what my material mind conceived.

The purchase of the house was smooth as whipped cream. Absolutely no hurdles, detours or blocks. The move was more like curdled milk. After all these years, it still leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

The day I left my homeland was filled with dread and anxiety. As the last item was loaded into the moving van and the door to the beach house I had been renting, was closed behind me, I just wanted to curl up into a fetal position and make it all go away.

As I waved goodbye to my 18 year old daughter and pulled my vehicle in behind the moving van, driven by the person I was moving with, my heart was breaking into a million pieces. Nothing about it felt good.

But I had closed off all exits at that point. All the money I had in the world was invested in this move and the purchase of the house.

This all occurred at the end of 2001 and beginning of 2002. I had been laid off from my (last) well paying job after the 9/11/01 attack on the WTC. I gave up my rental, which I could not have afforded anyway, having lost my job.

All my belongings and worldly possessions were loaded in a moving van, a pick-up and a trailer that was pointed north, toward Washington state.

The trip up there took 3 days. It was a slow process because of the load we were carrying and the weather conditions. We left on New Years day and arrived at our destination Jan 3, 2002. I will never forget the gloom I felt when we pulled the van up to the garage at the “new” house and started unloading it. “Shouldn’t this be exciting?” I thought. It doesn’t feel exciting.

If I had known what was in store for me, would I have gone ahead with this move? HELL no! I guess that’s why we don’t always get to know.

I would have resisted this experience with every corner of my conscious mind.

The cycle of accumulating.

During the next cycle, which lasted approximately 7 years, I gathered and accumulated.

My collection of accumulations included lots and lots of stuff, plenty of debt and experiences to last a lifetime.

I had a big house,  so I began filling it with stuff. The house needed to be remodeled but all the money went into the purchase. I also started a business…  a store for second hand usables and collectibles. This endeavor required filling the store with stuff and going into debt to get it established.  Credit cards were abundant and used with naive confidence that it would all be paid when we “flipped” the house.

The reality of my situation began when I started talking to my partner about being ready to sell and move up. The house was remodeled, the market was high, it was time to flip that house. I was surprised and frustrated to become aware that he was very comfortable in the house and didn’t want to sell it. He felt he and his daughter had a security they had not experienced before and he was reluctant to let go of that. There was no amount of talking that would get him to agree to what I had planned. Even though the house was in my name only (as was the debt) I wouldn’t make the move without him. I felt stuck. The debt was still accumulating because the store was not making a profit and  I was unable to get a well paying job in that area. He was always employed, but his income was barely enough to live on. The longer we stayed, the deeper in debt I got. The deeper the debt, the more desperate I felt. The desperation made me feel even more stuck. It was quite the consuming cycle.

So, there I was, STUCK and I remained stuck…until I wasn’t. If you read my blog, titled Extraordinary Observations, you will see that I became “unstuck” when my partner made the decision to rent a place for him and his daughter and move out last summer. (Summer of 09)

The experiences I gathered were not, at first, accompanied by understanding. There have been many years of banging my head against the wall trying to understand how and why I opened this door. There were times when I felt I couldn’t bear another moment. The knowing that kept me going was the trust that it would become clear, and one day and the understanding I stood to gain would take me to the next level.

Boy, did I try to force that understanding!

Of course, as with everything you attempt to work hard at understanding… the “working hard at it” only delayed it. Understanding happens when you quiet the mind chatter, allow the experiences and stop resisting the changes.

Another of  the learned truths I have come to understand is… even when you catch a good glimpse of the chosen path, your fear can and will attempt to lead you in a different direction.  In my case, I saw what I thought was a “short cut”.  Once I got out of the relationship that kept me stuck, The path I was on seemed clear enough… I was finally headed in the right direction, why not take a short cut?

Unfortunately, the “short cut” involved old patterns of thinking and facades that looked like comforts.

I made a decision to get back into a relationship with the person I moved with.

It seemed like the right decision.

He seemed sincere enough. The words he used were filled with new understandings and a new levels of emotion that weren’t previously displayed.

I still loved him and felt the love from him… why not? We started this together, we should finish this together… right? Well apparently that would have been too easy…or something… so guess what! COARSE CORRECTION!

It was being shown to me in my cards, but I didn’t get it.

We were so happy and things were going so well, why was I getting the Tower card? There it is AGAIN! What is going on!

Holding on to false ideas or pretenses; a new approach to thinking about the problem is needed. Make changes in your own life, or the changes will be made for you. You have strayed from your path, correct your course or the universe will correct it for you and rest assured, it will be swift and sure.

By New Years Eve, it became known. It was swift and left no room for doubt, the short cut was leading me astray. I did not want to believe it and resisted. It started with the announcement that he is “not happy and wants to move out again”. It ended with me packing all my belongings into boxes, plastic tubs and trunks, storing them in the largest closet of my house, loading my car with what I would need to live with until my house sold, and driving away from all my perceived comforts.

I arrived back home a week and a half ago. I am still not clear on why this was the way it had to be, but I do know that it will become clear to me soon enough. As I write this, some of the events that have taken place that are pointing me in the direction of a new understanding are scary.

I feel great resistance toward it but am gradually becoming aware of the necessity to sacrifice my perceived control over my circumstances. To release all my attachment to my worldly goods seems to be the journey.

As I type this, the fear is gripping and the tears are flowing like a river. I know my resistance is delaying it, but metaphorically speaking, its like free falling backward hoping, trusting that you will land softly.

I know when the tower has crumbled and the dust settles, once again, it will become clear and I will see the truth from a different angle.

Starting a new chapter in my life.

Not exactly how I thought it would be… but what is? After all these years, if there is anything I have learned… it is never quite how we thought it would be and its most likely a good thing we don’t always get to know or we would inevitable resist the experiences that are so necessary for our growth.

I am home now.

Home, where my heart is

Home, where my future lies

Home, where I start again

Pick up the pieces, use what is useful and discard the rest.

I cant rush the future because timing is divine. It is important to get all that is necessary before the next chapter begins.

Sometimes the endings are drawn out, or so it seems… standing at the door, waiting for it to open. But it already has…

My humanity strives for trust.

Trust in myself, trust in others.

Trust that what I have learned in life will take me gracefully to the next level with fewer scars and a deeper understanding of my purpose.

The journey can be bewildering.  Just when I thought I was really getting a handle on this I am astounded at how I can become lost in the emotion, disruption and egoic  unconsciousness.

It doesn’t make me want to give up… but I am tired.

When I wake up in the morning, it will be a new day…

That, I DO trust.

What I do with the potential of the new day is completely up to me.

The Fool steps out in blissful ignorance.

There are many things I don’t understand about religious beliefs and practices, and I’ve yet to find someone to have a logical conversation with, about it. My experience is; people who have strong beliefs want to debate because there seems to be a definite right and wrong here.

My quest is not to learn about it because I want to have that in my life, it is because I don’t understand the mentality.

I have a girlfriend who gets riled up over the “cattle  syndrome”.  In my girlfriend’s observation, people are followers who either fear individuality or are too unconscious to be aware of it…it’s a passionate observation and he is making it her quest to bring attention to it. My girlfriend’s passion of choice is the political arena, an area I choose to  remain ignorant about.

By definition I suppose that makes me one of the unconscious ones.

I have come to understand that these two subjects are the ones people have recognized as the topics to be avoided when the environment is to remain neutral. Until recently, I was aware of the reason for that (sometimes unspoken) agreement but didn’t understand the contention behind it.

It’s about beliefs.

People are so passionate about their beliefs that some will kill or die defending them. They will break up friendships and deny family over their beliefs.

The core concepts of who you think you are… your beliefs.

You become your beliefs… “I am a Christian” or “I am a Republican”.  Your beliefs are what becomes your sense of who you are and what matters in your life. However, that thing that matters to you will have the power to disrupt and confuse you and create dysfunction in your life. It takes away from who you really are because you perceive yourself as this thing you believe in.

I was at a party the other night at (another of) my girlfriend’s house. I was surrounded by people that I love and the environment was lighthearted and fun. I had quite a lot of wine to drink…(by the end of the night I’m pretty sure I polished off a bottle by myself!) I was sitting outside by the fire with 6 other people, one of them was my girlfriend’s husband, Craig.   We were looking at the stars and commenting on the position of the stars and planets in the night sky this time of year.   Somehow, in the course of conversation, the subject became political ( the wine keeps me from remembering exactly how that happened). Craig, who is very passionate about everything he believes in, felt inclined to convince me that his conclusion in this highly passionate political conversation, was the only conclusion a thinking person would come to. Craig felt he had to convince me and he said it with a very loud and angry tone of voice.

Having explained the deal with the wine already… I was in it for the excitement and the passion of the conversation. I couldn’t begin to tell you specifically what the topic was, but Craig was getting angrier and angrier about my unwillingness to accept and agree with his belief.  Shortly after the conversation started getting heated, my DD told me the ” bus is leaving “, so I went around saying my goodbyes to my friends. When I got back to Craig, to give him a hug and tell him goodbye, he was still pissed!

When I went there the next day to pick up my car, he was STILL pissed! I am amazed at how adamant he is in having people subscribe to his point of view. He allows it to corrupt his world and his being. It becomes more important than  his relationships and his inner peace. He has made what he believes in, who he is.

When I witness an event like the one I did that night I realize two things.

1. I see the devastating effect that level of consciousness can bring.                                                                                                           2. I see the difference, choosing peace, has made to me.

So, to my girlfriend that may (or may not ) see my  ” ignorance ” to political matters as unconsciousness. Know that I have consciously chosen to disregard the general opposition that inevitably comes with conversations having to do with individual beliefs.

In other words… I choose peace

The only real shift in consciousness can take place within and it is a group consciousness that creates the changes.

xxoo

Yesterday I was told my conduct is evil. At first I laughed about it because it seems so far from the truth, but this morning my eyes popped open at around 5:00 am and the thought was swimming around in my head. How could someone describe me, my conduct, my intentions or anything about the way I live my life, as evil?

What have I done that could be so misconstrued? I have certainly faced misjudgment many times in recent years for various reasons but if something like this comes up, I still have to examine it.

I was told that because I have interest in a man who has established a relationship with someone else, my conduct is evil.

That idea never occurred to me.  I know I deliberately called this person into my life but I didn’t expect this little twist… I did not expect that he would be involved in a relationship with someone else when I met him. I considered my conduct within the guidelines of moral behavior… after all our relationship is at an emotional level and has not crossed the line to a physical relationship yet.

But what about that thing I have always said?

When I discovered my ex husband was having emotional affairs all over the internet, I felt that his emotional relationships were just as hurtful as a physical relationship… maybe even more hurtful in some ways.

I guess I didn’t take it all in because from the conversations I have had with my Intended, it sounds like the relationship he had established was one of convenience. In his words “we get along pretty good” and “I stay at her house because she is gone so much”.

Maybe I am only hearing what I want to hear and I’m not paying attention to the rest.

Maybe I have been intoxicated by the extreme attraction and the innocent circumstances under which we met, connected and bonded.

Maybe the bonding was not so innocent.

I do know the connection was there so the bonding was a deliberate pursuit on my part.  Maybe my timing was right for me but not so much for him and maybe he hasn’t gotten everything he wants from his established relationship.

Maybe my conduct has been evil.

I caught it, caged it and killed it again. HA! I recognize you, you little bastard!

Over the last couple weeks there has been so much information coming in…  Flooding my ears,  molesting my brain and confusing my Being…

“You are beautiful, you are perfect, I love you and can’t live without you”.

Whoa! This is right on the heels of ” I can’t hear you, I don’t have time for you” and  a basic overall vibe of “Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn” .

What I have discovered about both attitudes is, if I were to subscribe to either perspective of myself, they would be equally devastating to my Being.

I know this, I learned this already!  I passed the test because I saw it for what it is… my ego attempting to see myself through the eyes of another.

It almost fooled me… the flattering part did.

I was accepting that part of it because I saw it as validation for the true intentions I had while in a relationship with this person… I thought, ”At last, he finally recognizes me and appreciates me for what I truly am”.

The truth of the situation is, I am what I am, with, or without the validation. I have always known my intentions were honest. What I have learned is, what others think, doesn’t change who I am.

The beautiful and perfect pedestal serves me about as well as the false impressions of someone else thinking I am controlling, overbearing or overemotional

Subscribing to someone else’s perspective is always confusing to the Being.

I know I have moments of all those earthly traits… but it is NEVER without reason and the action is always in search of reaching a level of understanding. It is not important for me to be beautiful, perfect, overbearing or overemotional in the eyes of another.  It does not change who I am.

The Surrender

I have let go. I’ve resisted out of fear but it doesn’t feel that fearsome anymore. The more options I allow, the more options become available. And they are available!

The perception that there is no way out (of a life situation) is shifted. It’s like the gate was left unlocked and I tested it….”YEP! It really is unlocked” Push it open just a little bit, then a little bit more and a little bit more until it is a different view. The more I see, the better the view becomes.

An extraordinary observation here… the only thing that has changed is my perspective of the situation.

I know the blocks are necessary on occasion. I know the timing is precise. In order to be ready for the next step taken, there are often several events that lead up to it. And with every event, every experience, we reach a new level of understanding which changes our perspective and allows more options.

 Suffering is a state of mind. So is happiness. Both lead to the knowing. The knowing is peace.

Knowing you can be at peace in any circumstance and bringing in those circumstances that allow you to experience the difference, which in turn, allow you to know.

This morning, a person I care about brought information to me that was intended to disrupt. The intention was not a conscious intention but there had been a great deal of unconscious thought put into it, and the delivery of this information was with such conviction…

“Oh my God! This is what I learned about this situation you are moving toward! You are making a big mistake! You will suffer if you continue to travel down this path! You will suffer! 

The knowing I have regarding this “situation” is, it has very little to do with the person and everything to do with the experience. I know I bring in the best personalities to learn from. I also know that my skills have been tested and they will continue to be tested. I am ready for this experience… probably with the same level of naïve confidence that allows me to be ready for any experience.

After all, if I knew everything that was in store for me I would undoubtedly resist some very important parts of it.

How absolutely MAGIC it all is.

When I surrender to the forces and let things be.

When I take a stand to make things different.

When I get out of my own way and stop letting fear hold me back.

When I pay attention to the details as they unfold.

It’s all so very MAGIC.

This cycle began in 1993.

First I had to put all my trust into the person who was to be the facilitator.

I had to trust him in order to allow him to strip away all the facades so I could see myself for the first time in my life.

I didn’t know that at the time,… it is something I have learned.

The process was extreme and sometimes extremely painful.

But I’ve learned, the ones that are worthwhile usually do carry elements of strife, that’s what makes them stick.

 The trust began as an overwhelming feeling of being rescued…all wrapped up in a pretty little package that looked and felt like love.

It was so beautiful and intoxicating.

There was no way I could have resisted…I was in it “for life”.

I didn’t know then that it was the end of my life…

A transformation was about to occur that would change the way I see myself and the world.

When I met the Facilitator, I was a mother of 3 little girls. The little girls also felt the love and trust. He was a facilitator for them as well as me. We all got something different out of it…we all agree we got it, though.

 In order for the process to be successful, I saw myself through his eyes.

It was beautiful at first. I saw my beauty, my sexuality and my physical being as something quite extraordinary.

When it changed, when the mundane set in and the problems of the lifestyle became overwhelming, I continued to see myself through his eyes…only now it wasn’t so beautiful.

The Facilitator questioned everything I did… not in a distrustful way, but in a way that made me have to be very clear with my own reasons for doing the things I did and making the choices I chose.

It was hard. I came to realize how unconscious I was, in living my life and making my choices.

An interesting twist on this facilitator, he was very human with very human faults.

His human faults were probably the earthly reason for making getting away from him necessary, when the time came. 

When nearing the end of this intense learning cycle…just before my tower crumbled,

I loathed myself.

I couldn’t stand myself, and wrote in journals about this horrible person I was.

Not for anything I had done, but for what a failure I was as a person. I couldn’t live up to the beautiful image of myself that (we) had created.   

There was an absolute turning point, but I’m not sure what triggered it. I just remember continuing to write in the journal and seeing the abrupt change.

Once my tower crumbled I began rebuilding on a much stronger foundation.

The Facilitator was no longer needed and his human faults made getting away from him a very necessary thing. I didn’t need to see myself through his eyes anymore.

When we split up, he asked me to file divorce papers and divorce him so he could marry someone else

(Apparently someone else needed a facilitator)  

I told him I would sign papers, but if he wanted a divorce, he would have to be the one to file the papers. Apparently he never did.

The next phase of the cycle was the rebuilding phase.

That took 1 year and 8 months.

I spent that time alone. It started out with buckets of tears and uncontrollable crying. Apparently that was necessary to nurture the seeds that had been planted.

My reward for that part of the cycle was heavenly bliss. I really liked the person I found under all that debris.

 My confidence in my parenting skills was always high…no matter how I saw myself as a person, I was always able to step outside that, and guide my daughters as a mentor. The bond of love between my daughters and I has always been strong.

With a stronger sense of self, I was ready to test my skills in a relationship.

I saw him in my cards first…” The Water Sign Man”.

For a year, it kept coming up and I kept pushing it away…not ready yet!

Then I saw them in the crystal… a man and a little girl, then the picture changed and the little girl was grown up.

3 months later I met him in person, a week after that I met his little girl.

As it has always been in my life, I knew instantly who he was, and the little girl was welcomed into my family with an open heart. So it started… the next phase of learning and extraordinary observations.

The year 2000 was an end and beginning of an era for me.

My sweet Mama died in January of that year and the man and child came in April.  Now I was not just the mother of 3, I was a step mother. I felt so ready for that role, so confident! \As I have learned since then, it is never quite the way we think it’s going to be and THANK GOD, we don’t always get to know that in advance!   

I was surprised by how much drama and chaos surrounded this simple, laid back, man and his beautiful, angel faced daughter. My first experience with the level of drama they created was astounding!

My confidence level was still high. I thought it was an occasional incident and it would work itself out. I believed he had just not had opportunity to create structure and gain control of his own existence in order to bring his daughter up with love, boundaries and a strong level of confidence. I was ready to help him with that.

The extraordinary observances that have become clear in hind sight are the circumstances I created that would make me stay in that relationship even when it became “unbearable”. I set it up with such expertise… I shut off all exits!

The understanding that got me through those tough times was the knowing that timing is divine. When it was time, the opportunity would present itself. 

Through that 9 year cycle, there were many fun, rewarding and exciting times as well as trying times. The child accepted me at first…even bonded at a shallow level. A level of innocence, I suppose. The problems began when her biological mother recognized that she was bonding with me and the emotional warfare began.

I did not anticipate the level at which the mother would take it and I naively thought that truth would prevail and the child would eventually see through the clouds of deception. I became aware and armed with information about the mother, but I was not prepared for being shut out by her father too. The Water Sign Man… the man who claimed his love for me 50 times a day.

The man who actively went searching for a mother to help him raise his troubled daughter. A man who wanted someone on his side but who did not count on his daughter taking preference for the mother figure, over her preference for her father. I also became aware that the man was not brought up with boundaries or structure, discipline and self confidence and rejected my attempts at introducing it to the little girl. 

I entered into that phase of the cycle with naïve confidence. 

The 9 year cycle brought many experiences, with the experiences came understanding and inevitably, growth.In reflection, the most important understanding that I’ve mastered, is to find peace. Peace under diverse and disruptive circumstances. Because, you can only lose something that you have, but you cannot lose something that you are and NO MATTER WHERE YOU GO, THERE YOU ARE.

 I brought in the people who brought chaos. I shut off all my exits. I was in it until I became a master at finding it within myself without the escapism of medication, drugs or alcohol. You find peace not by rearranging the circumstances of your life, but by realizing who you are at the deepest level.

The extraordinary observations are a necessity in recognizing the growth and accomplishments toward the deepest level of knowing. 

I am very aware that I am entering into another cycle of my life; I’ve brought in another personality, another soul to learn and grow from. Someone with a different set of circumstances with totally different experiences. This awareness brings excitement, fear, anticipation and acceptance of what is.

I am excited for the opportunity for new experiences and to make known the unknown but with the unknown there is always an element of fear. Anticipation comes in the form of daydreams and fantasies of the unlimited potential that comes with new gateways. The “acceptance of what is” comes from the ability to be an extraordinary observer.

To move forward is to let go and trust. Trust that if this person I have called in is important for my continued growth, there will be no shutting it out. I recognized him as soon as I met him in person.  “This person is significant to me, I wonder if he is the Earth Sign Man”.

I strongly believe that he will be in my life for the divine amount of time we both need to accomplish what we need in order to understand the next level of knowing.